Just words
by Shunnow
Summary: Words are just words. Its when there is an emotion, love, hate, hurt, pain behind them that they turn into anything else. That they have value and meaning to us. But strip away all that and what are you left with? Just words.
1. So it begins

Hello people! Ok, this is my first Lilly/James fic, so I really could use any feedback that you may have. Constructive criticsim will be appreciated.Thanks alot.

JKR owns it all.

Hmm...i guess i should say PG 13.

**Chapter one : So it begins…**

I don't know how long I sat by the window, resting my elbows on my knees, leaning my forhead against the cool glass; watching the rain pour down in rivulets making patterns.

I loved it when it rained, the feel of the drops on my skin,the way it made me forget everything… Even him.

Everyone was out, so I didn't bother to stop or to wipe away the tears when they started.

I let my finger follow a drop of rain as it made its way down the window, trying hard not to rememeber, trying hard to lose myself in the beauty of the thunderstorm…but even the rain had betrayed me.

I felt hollow. Like there was this huge gap inside me that needed to be filled. Filled with laughter, happiness, and carelessness.

I got up and stumbled a bit, my legs cramped from the way I was sitting.

After I steadied myself, I opened the window wide, despite the wind and the rain. I jumped out into our backgarden, clearing the Lillys and Petunias that grew under the window, (a little joke of my fathers) and went to the middle of the garden.

I was drenched within seconds. I tilted my head back so that I could look at the sky, but the rain drops blinded me so I closed my eyes. I spread out my arms as if greeting the rain, and finally I gave in. I didn't try to hold back the memories any more…and I didn't try to hold him back anymore. 

He flooded my senses, I could smell him, see him, feel him even hear his hoarse voice as he had said those words that had haunted me all summer…

2 months ago

"Ok, ok….listen up this is a good one…ahem,"

I rolled my eyes, Sheena and her 'so called' jokes.

I looked at her, a look of exagerated excitement on my face.

Sheena is 5'3, with short blck hair that frames her round face. She has black eyes which always glimmer with a wiked spark. Shes blunt, witty and very opinionated, and has a proud streak in her. But underneath it all shes really sweet and caring, a side of her that not many people know she has.

I smiled back at her.

"Oh please tell me, entertain me with your hillarious jokes, but please don't mind me if I fall into a coma."

Sheena poked her tounge out at me, and we both laughed. She linked her arm through mine and smiled at me.

"What?"

Those smiles of hers always made me uncomfortable.

"Nothing, I was just thinking…Thankyou. For like…last week and all, and all you did for me."

I felt my heart clutch, Sheena had just broken up with her long time boyfriend Derek. Before him, she'd be in and out of relationships every month.

They'd been going out for 6 months when she had caught him cheating on her with Bellatrix, a slytherin girl who got around faster than rumors could keep up with her.

Sheena had been in a right state…we stayed up all night, thoroughly abused Derek, came up with the top ten most painful ways for him to die and…though I hadn't admitted it to Sheena, but I had a strong feeling that she had guessed that it was me who was behind the random outbursts of Derek's, proclaiming himself as a pompous ass every few minutes in a loud and distinctly shakespearian manner that morning at breakfast.

I grinned at the memory. I never usually play pranks on people, but when someone messed with my mates, they messed with me and I didn't take kindly to people like that.

Apart from Sheena, my other friends were, Becci and Tess. After breakfast Becci had run of to the library to return an overdue book and Tess was still in bed with a cold.

"Forget it. Anyways, come on, lets go see if we can drag Tess out of bed," I said to Sheena.

"Fine, "

"Erm…Lilly?" said someone behind me.

I turned around to see Paul standing behind me. Paul was one of the few guys in my charms club and he was also a fellow gryffindor in my year.

"Hey Paul, whats up?" I asked, impatient to get going.

"Ermm…I was just wondering wether, you knew whether the date has been set for the next meeting?" he asked .

"Next Friday…" I said, slightly confused, he was after all a prefect too.

"Oh…right, ok. Ermm..see you there then?"

"Yeah…" I replied slightly confused.

"Ok, then…well, erm, bye," he said giving me a dazed smile and walking off.

Sheena nudged me, grinning wickedly and raised her eyebrow.

"What? Paul? No!…Do you think?" I asked realization dawning on my face.

"No, duh. Seriously how did you get so thick," she asked rolling her eyes.

I thought about it. Paul wasn't all that bad…actually he was kinda cute.

"So? What do you think," she asked nudging me again, still grining. Nothing gave her more joy then to play match-maker.

"I dunno. Hes ok I guess," I shrugged.

"Hey, Evans! Wait up."

I turned around to see who had called me…to see none other than the notoriously famous Sirius Black, accompanied by none other than James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew, who togther made up the Marauderers.

The Marauderers held the position of head pranksters, chief troublemakers and the most wanted guys of Howarts.

Sirius Black loved to tease me, get under my skin and make me lose control, and he infuriated me further by just laughing at me when I got mad at him. I'd never seen him lose his cool, except for once when he had a rather vicious encounter with his younger brother Regulus, who was in Slytherin.

Remus Lupin was ok. He was a prefect with me, but I never could figure out why he hung around with that lot. He was shy in a really adorable way, studious and though he didn't know it, a lot of girls really liked him.

Peter Pettigrew…was just odd. He didn't seem fit in with them at all. It was a mystery to me why they had befriended him at all. Not that he was a bad sort or anything, he just kind of had the look of a coward, he would always shrink into seat when shouted at by one of the teachers and develop a simper that far from arousing an pity made you want to look away in disgust.

And last of all and by no means least…James Potter. I don't what it was about him that got to me. In a different way from Sirius. Maybe it was the fact that James would ask me out about twenty times a week, and I'd always shoot him down. Sometimes involving a rather colourful aray of words. I don't know how to express my hate for him. He'd walk down the corridors like he owned the whole castle, and hex anyone who got in his way. He'd embarrass me in public and make crude remarks and he never missed a chance to hit on me.

But as I watched the Maruderers catch up with us, I saw that James' usual arrogant smirk had been replaced by a frown. He glared at me as if I had stolen his favourite teddy-bear…a kind of angry mixed with hurt. His gaze made me feel uncomfortable, so I turned to look at Sirius who had been the one who called me. He on the other hand looked normal. His floppy black hair covering one eye and a wicked grin on his face not unlike Sheena's.

When they got near enough for us to speak without shouting, I said,

"What is it Black? Im kind of in a rush," I said now getting really annoyed, now we'd deffinetly be late for class.

"Oh really? You didn't look like in a rush when you were talking to pretty-boy over there." He said gesturing to where Paul had walked off to with his head.

I started frowning,

"Whats it to you?" I said, twirling my wand, something I did when I was agitated.

"Nothing, I was just amazed at your choice is all," he replied looking slighlty amused.

"Whatever, Lilly come on we'll be really late if we don't get a move on," said Sheena finally cutting in. "Sorry, gentlemen, but we really must get a move on," she said smiling at the Marauderes.

I turned to look at James again, but he was still frowning at me. He looked at me hard, as if trying to figure out what I was thinking, he sighed and turned his back to me, running his hand through his hair.

We turned and walked away but not before I had heard James mutter,

"Paul? Honestly? What has he got that I haven't?"

I wouldn't have cared, but it had sounded so much like he really would like to know…as if he really did care about the answer.

I shook my head to dislodge the strange feeling, but it wouldn't go away. All through the day, it nagged me, confusing me and making me irritable. Why should I be feeling bad for James? He deserves whatever he gets, but I could still see the hurt in his eyes…but that's not possible right? Whats it to him if I talk to other guys?

Present time

That was just the beginning. After that, it had only gotten worse. James transformed from a loud, rowdy, arrogant guy into a quiet, reserved and anti-social guy. I'd even go so far as to say that Remus was more out going than him.

It confused everyone, what had happened to get James Potter, the famous James Potter so depressed? He even stopped playing pranks.

He would stare at me in class, like he never did before, a longing on his face which scared me.

Whenever I caught him looking he would quickly look away, something he never did before.

When I'd pass the marauderers in the hallways, James would walk faster, his eyes glued to the ground, Sirius would glare at me with open hostility that confused me. Remus might smile and give a little wave. Peter…well he didn't matter one way or another.

When I'd be sitting in the common room, laughing with my friends or even just reading a book, I'd look up to find him staring at me.

When I'd catch him at it, he'd get up suddenly and leave or pick up a parchment and pretend to be doing homework.

I was more confused than anyone. Why did he look at me like that? What had happened to bring about such a drastic change in him?

It wasn't until the day before we were leaving for the summer holidays that he told me why he had stopped pranking people, why he didn't taunt me anymore, why he'd rather see me smile than frown and why he stared...

It wasn't fair! It wasn't right for him to be able to affect me this way. I couldn't sleep properly at night and I lost my appetite. I hated him for what he was doing to me. He had gotten his revenge; I'd spent all summer feeling guilty, thinking about him…And about what he had said…

One month ago

"I'll miss you and don't foget to write," I said as I hugged Sheena.

"Don't worry I will," she replied smiling at me

"Bye, " I said waving at her.

"Bye! Miss you, see you next year!" she replied, poking her tounge at me and went of to meet her parents. Sheena was going to Austarlia for the summer break to her cousins house and I envied her. I wasn't going

anywhere. The only thing I had to look forward to was my sisters wedding. I grimaced at the thought. She and I didn't get along too well.

I watched people pulling their trunks on to trolleys and waving their last minute goodbyes as I waited for my parents. I felt someone tap me on my shoulder, and I turned around.

It was James .

He was rubbing the back of his neck and looked nervous.

I raised my eyebrow at him,"What is it Potter," I asked him coldly. He grinned at me and raised his hand to ruffle his hair. Something odd happened. He seemed to realize what he was doing and stopped his hand half-way to his head. I raised my eyebrow even further.

Sheena had been telling me that he had changed because of me, which was absaloutley ridiculous. What was I to James Potter that he should change for me?

"Listen I know you don't like me," he started," but please can you just give me one chance? I know you and I haven't been the best of friends these past years, but I want to take it back. All of it. I want to start again." he said, his voice sounding stronger with every word.

He looked so forlorn and nervous. I would have burst out laughing , were it not for the bubble of anger rising up in my chest. After all he had put me through, how much he had embarrassed me he still had the nerve to ask me to forgive him?

"You know I don't like you? No shit, Sherlock." I whispered, my voice slowly rising. "No I cannot give you a chance.You give chances to people who you think can change. To people who you think are sincere. And I

don't believe either of the above of you Potter. So just for the love of god leave me ALONE!" With that I turned my back to him refusing to storm off , waiting for him to leave. But before I turned around I couldn't

help seeing his face just for a second. He looked shocked and… and hurt?

I felt confused by what I had seen and oddly put off.

I waited for him to leave but he didn't.

After slowly counting to 10, I turned around to find him still stood their as if he had been stunned.

I saw his eyes glistening faintly, or maybe it was just a trick of the light.

I immediately felt a pang of guilt .

That made me angry, he deserved what I had said to him. What right did he have to make me feel guilty? I gave him a dirty look and all resolve of not storming off broken, I turned aroung to leave.

Before I could though he roughly grabbed my arm and

turned me around to face him. He pulled me in towards him, his grip on my arm uncomfortably tight and brought his face down towards mine.

My heart was pounding hard and I had no idea why. I should have stepped on his foot to make him let go of my arm, I should have twisted out of his grip, I should have looked away…but I couldn't do anything. I just stared into his eyes, inches away from my face.

He whispered in a strained voice,

"You can hate me as much as you want Lilly, you can curse me, hex at me, ignore me, hurt me or whatever you want to do, but that will never…never stop me loving you."

I was shocked. He loved me? The James Potter in knew was not capable of loving anyone. His brown eyes were piercing me, paralyzing me.

I saw what was coming and I tried to move but my brain seemed to be disconnected from the rest of me.He leaned in closer and I went cross-eyed.

He closed his eyes and met my lips with his. I melted, that's the best description I can give for what I felt. My stomach had butterflys, my heart was pounding so hard it was painful and my knee joints was non-existent.

Realizing that I hadn't pulled away yet or slapped him he slipped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer. He kissed me, and for about a micro-second I responded, moving my lips againts his. I felt so safe with his arms around me, his grip tight…

The train blew its whistle and something in me snapped. I realized what I was doing and I put my arms on his chest and pushed him away, hard. He looked startled.

I stared at him, horrified.

I walked away back wards from him and stumbled to my trolley. I knew I had to leave or I would start crying; but for the life of me I couldn't say why. I was suddenly overwhelmed with a strange sadness.

I had to turn around and walk away. I had to move. I had to get away from here. From him.

But somehow I couldn't. I was still staring at him trying to work out what the hell had happened, when the first tear came. What the crap? Since when did he have this effect on me?

I finally got up the courage to make my legs move. I walked away from him, my mind in an uproar.

Present time.

"Lilly? Lilly dear, come in, I made you some hot chocolate."

I turned around to see my mother leaning out of the window.

I tried to smile at her and managed to force one onto my face. I sighed, and walked back towards the window.

The tears on my face had mingled with the rain drops.

I went to the kitchen dripping all over and twisted my long red hair to squeeze the water out of them.

"Hey mum. Didn't hear you come in," I said smilling at my mother. She also has red hair like mine, but hers is a darker shade of red. She had it twisted up in a messy bun, but a few locks had escaped and they curled around her face. I had inherited my grren eyes from her too.

"I used my key to get in. Oh yes, before I forget, there was a letter for you this morning. I left it on your bedside table."

"Oh ok, its probably from Sheena, you know she went to Austaraila? She'll be back a week before school starts though,"

"That's nice dear, but it wasn't from Sheena, it was from a James Potter."

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Do you like it? What do you think? Please review, I'd really appreciate it. 


	2. Just aquaintances

Yay! Thanks to my reviewers. They really mean a lot. Replies at the bottom.

JRK : Just me or was the 6th book kinda short? Like not enough stuff happened?

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Chapter Two - Aquanitances.

I had that feeling again. My stomach felt queasy and there was a roaring in my ears like all the blood in me had rushed to my head. I sat heavily on the chair still not quite believing what my mother had told me.

"Mum?" I finally managed to croak out. "Your sure? James Potter?"

"Yes dear, I'm quite sure…why? Is there something wrong?" my mum asked taking in the shocked look on my face.

"No…no. Im just surprised is all," I said getting up slowly.

I walked out of the kitchen, ignoring the worried look my mum was giving me and went up the stairs.

My legs felt as if they were full of lead and my mouth was dry.

Why would James write to me?

What could he possibly want to say?

I opened my bedroom door and looked around. My room was nothing special, I had a few pictures of my family stuck up on the wall, alongside a Gryffindor flag and a moving class photo from last year.

As my gaze swept my room I saw it.

There it was, a white envelope sitting innocently on top of my dressing table.

I went and sat on my bed, staring at the envelope, all sorts of thoughts running through my head.

I kept on thinking why I had said those things to James. That he couldn't change, when that year he had changed so drasticly. Why had I kissed back? Why had I cried?

I honestly had no idea.

I had tried my best all summer to ignore the things I felt when I thought about the kiss. It was nothing, I told myself, he just caught you off guard is all. You only responded 'coz you were shocked.

Nothing to be shocked about really, you could see it coming a mile off.

No you couldn't. How was I supposed to know he was going to kiss me?

Oh you knew. You were anticipating it even-

I groaned to my self. I had been fighting this internal battle all summer.

I gulped and reached out to pick upthe envelope. It felt cool in my hand, and I read his hand writing on the front…scribbled yet neat, it suited him perfectly. I traced my name in his writing, Lilly Evans.

Argghhh….i groaned again. What is up with me? Last year any letter from James would have been on a one way flight to the trash can, yet here I was, too nervous to even open the bloody thing.

Get it over with, I told my self sternly, just open it. I slid my finger underneath the flap and dragged it along the length of the envelope to open it.

I reached inside and pulled out a piece of paper, when I remembered something. People in the wizarding world sent letters on pieces of parchment by owl. But this was lined paper. I picked up the envelope again and saw that there was a stamp at the front. I smiled despite myself, James had used the muggle post to send me a letter.

The lined paper had been folded up twice, and with shaking fingers I unfolded it.

My heart was beating in that painful way again as I started to read…

Lilly,

Hey…wow this feels weird. Erm...how've you been? I just wanted to say sorry. For everything. For being such a prat and for thinking that you would give me a chance or even the time of day. I swear I wasn't lying or messing about, I meant everything I said to you at the train station. Lilly, I love you. I don't care if you never speak to me again…well actually I do but I just want you to believe me. I just really needed you to know. I couldn't go through life thinking that you never knew how I felt about you. Even if you don't feel the same way about me. Everytime I see you with another guy I feel like beating the crap out of him. Everytime I see you laughing, I pray for you stay that way always. Everytime I see you everything goes wrong. I cant speak properly, I cant think, hell, I even forget to breathe sometimes. Lilly tell me to never talk to you again, and I promise you'll never hear me saying your name. I'll understand. After all I've put you through, it's the least I can expect, but I still can't help hoping. You can't blame me for that atleast? For hoping that someday we could atleast be friends? I don't know whats wrong with me. You've probabaly already chucked this in the bin and Im wasting my words on a banana skin and some old quills.

James Potter

One drop fell…then another. Then the ink began to smudge. I read it over again.

And again.

I didn't love James Potter. But he had fallen for me. Why? I'm not that special and I've always been mean to him…why does he love me? Im not pretty or anything, then why…?

I never knew he felt that way. I half didn't belive it. But then I remembered the look in his eyes that day and there was no doubt in my heart. He really did love me.

But I didn't feel that way about him. Ok fine, I admit he is really cute, but that's all. I haven't seen any of his good qualities. He just kinda retreated into himself last year. I didn't know what to think.Maybe I'll just wait and see what hes like this year. It was only 2 weeks untill school began. I could never date him though, that was for sure…but maybe we could be … just aquaintances.

* * *

FolLoW mE bAbaY – Yeah, same here. I never could get a story started, but I loved reading other peoples stuff. Now that I have started one, it's a lot easier then I thought it would be. Thanks.

Ahura Mazda – Yay, my first reviewer! I shall now love you forever and ever. Lol, thanks anyways. You have a lot more faith in this story than I do.

Ok, please carry on reviewing, and please be atleats a little critical? I don't feel satisfied with this story and I would really appreciate some critiscisim. Thanks. And remember, more reviews means faster updates.

Peace out.


	3. Making aquaintances

CHAPTER 3 – Making aquaintances

'Bye sweetie, remember to write', said Mum, hugging me.

'I will, bye mum, bye dad, love you!' I said, walking towards the train. When I got to the platform, I turned around, to wave to my parents, but before I could do anything, something hurtled into my side and knocked me over. I fell on to the floor, my hands breaking my fall. Some one offered me a hand and I followed it up to see Remus. I took his hand and hoisted myself up.

'Thanks', I said, brushing the dirt of my trousers.

'No problem', he replied, 'You okay?'

'Yeah, Im fine, but what…?'

'…was the whirlwind that bumped into you?' he replied grinning.

'Erm, yeah', I said, still slightly disorientated.

'Who else? Sirius and James, apparently he stole his chocolate frog. ' he replied.

'Did I hear my name?', said a voice from behind me, I turned around to see James. He was smiling, but when he saw it was me, he stopped... He just looked at me like…like…

With a great deall of effort I smiled at him.

'Hi, James'

Now you'd think that those two words weren't as sensational as the response I got. James looked shocked, and I heard a choking sound behind me. I turned to see Sirius gaping at me.

'Did you….did you…just call…him…James!?'

' I believe that's his name, so what else would I call him? Anyways,' I said looking back towards Remus, 'I'll see you in the prefects compartment later.'

And with a last smile to everyone in general, I flounced off, leaving them astounded.

Except the whole flouncing thing didn't work out, because I bumped into Sheena who gave me a look that meant I had some serious explaining to do.

She linked her arm in my mine, and dragged me off.

I heard the sound of some one whopping behind me and smiled to myself. I wasn't sure I'd made the right decision, but I was tired of feeling so insecure all the time. So unsure. So I decided to go ahead and find out that was all about.

I explained it to Sheena on the train, and when I'd finished she gave me a knowing grin.

'What?' I asked.

'Oh, nothing…' she said looking out the window still grinning. She was obvioulsy dying for me to ask her what was up. So I decided to play along.

'Come on, tell me.'

'Well…it's just, you finally fell for it didn't you? The 'ole Potter Charm' I believe is what they call it,' she grinned.

'NO!' I almost shouted. ' I just…just decided to give him a chance 'coz he'd dropped the 'ole potter charm' and just tried being sincere. If he'd done that from the begining, and hadn't try to act like a prick all the time I might have given him the time of day ages ago.' I replied.

'Well, if only you'd told us before, it would have saved us a whole lot of grief, a few traumatic near death experiences, and that rather visciuos encounter with the giant squid,' said Sirius who had appeared in our door way and had, apparently, heard what I had said.

'The squid?' I asked stiffling a laugh, as the memory of when I'd told James I'd rather date the giant squid than him, came back to me. For some reason what infuriated me a month ago, now made me laugh.

'Yeah, you never got to hear about that?' he said siting down next to Sheena, and sliding along to make room for Peter, who appeared from behind him. Remus came in after him and sat down next to me, followed by James who sat down next to Remus.

Sirius lent back in his seat and put his hands behind his head. Peter opened a chocolate frog and proceeded to eat it. Remus opened the book he'd been carrying and started to read it.

The fluidity with which they had come in, and sat down as if they belonged there, was amazing. Me and Sheena looked at each other, eyebrows raised, but I couldn't stop a smile spreading across my face which turned into a laugh.

'So,' said Sirius, glancing over to where James sat, 'as, I was saying, the giant squid…'

'What?' asked James, rather sharply.

'You remember, that time when Lilly said she'd rather date the giant squid than you, and then afterwards you got drunk and went down to the Lake-'

'Im pretty sure no-one wants to hear about that', said James, in a voice that clearly stated that Sirius was going to die a very painful death if he did not immedeatly and forthrightly, drop the subject.

Sirius just continued grinning.

'Oh, Im not so sure about that. Im sure these ladies would love to hear about it', he said turning to look at Sheena.

'Oh, pray do tell', grinned Sheena.

'Well…,' he said, putting one of his arms around Sheena's shoulders, 'After that incident, which you may recall, we took a trip to the school kitchens, you may or may not have heard of them-'

Here Sheena and I burst out laughing.

'Whats so funny?' he asked

'Nothing, nothing, please continue'.

'Ok, fine,' said a slightly ruffled Sirius. Immedeatly regaining his enthusiasim, he continued,

'So, in the school kitchens, dear Jamsie here-, sorry James. I mean, James here, got himself blind drunk, muttering to himself about obstinate red-heads, and their unconceivable attraction to creatures of the deep'.

James threw a chocolate frog at Sirius, which he caught, opened, and proceeded to take a bite out of without once looking at James.

'To keep him company, and for no other purpose other then that sole and honourable one, I also got drunk. And in that state of, erm, drunkeness, I suggeseted that James quit his whining and go see for himself what was so special about the giant squid.'

'Sirius, I swear, if you don't shut up…', James' warning look was lost on Sirius.

'Anyways,' he continued, glancing at James, who gave an exasperated sigh, 'we went to the lake and there James started throwing rocks into the water, yelling for the squid to come out, to not cower amongst the fishes like a…like a…like a coward, but to come out and face him like a man. The blatant inaccuracy of this statement will not have, I think, escaped you ladies, as it did not escape me at the time. I, in what, on later reflection, I realized was a serious laspe in judgement pointed out the inaccuracy to James. He didn't take my good-hearted correction well. What was it you said, James?' Sirius put on a show of trying to recall the exact words, 'Hmm…actually, I think it would be another lapse in judgemnt to repeat what he said in such delicate company, don't you James?' Sirius grinned.

By this time Sheena and I were in fits. The story was also strangely poignant, and I looked over to James. He was looking at me from under his eyelashes, pretending to be scared of my reaction. The intensity of his gaze and the rigidity of his pose, made me think that he really was scared.

It's funny, but I was scared too.

I didn't know how to treat this information about the extent of his…infatuation (I refuse to believe that it's anything else) with me. Should I laugh it off, tease him about it, or take offence and storm out? Oddly, enough, I wasn't willing to do either. I did not want to move forward or backward. I wanted to stay still. I couldn't stand going back to not knowning, to that state of permenant ignorance, and neither did I have the courage to find out, to push the established limits, and form a new relationship with James.

I settled for not doing anything for the moment. I just looked away, and laughed along with Sheena


End file.
